Damn Swede

So, I had what some consider to be a nervous breakdown earlier this week. I like to think I was on the edge, but the people who were there tell me differently. I just couldn’t do it any more. I couldn’t be responsible for everything. Happy to say that people at work responded. I was given additional help; and my new boss who refuses to get his hands dirty will have a rude awakening on Monday. His hands will be getting dirty.

I am feeling like a normal person again. I can talk without crying. I did nothing today . . . . and now I think I am going to go shopping.

This last weekend was Pascha - my favorite time of year. It was amazing. I can’t really describe it in words.

I also enjoyed the time away from work. It is amazing to me how much pleasure I get from doing the simplist things - things I haven’t been able to do in the last month. I am talking about reading my mail, putting away laundry, cooking dinner and cleaning the dishes afterwards, spending time with friends and family, making my bed, etc. Those simple things make me feel normal again.

My chest has been tightening the closer it gets to bed time in anticipation of my imminent return to work. I don’t like living like this - I need to update my resume.

Because of all the drama at work, I have been so negative lately. I hate being negative - it is like a disease. And it is unfair and unhealthy to the people around you.

I need to go to confession.

Two firsts happened at work today.

1. I asked for help. I can’t keep working these hours. I enjoy having a life. Today I was home by dusk, ran errands AND made dinner - AMAZING. I didn’t really eat dinner last week. I also washed the dishes and read my mail. These small things, though seemingly insignificant, made me feel like I have a life again.

2. Upper management was responsive to my plea for help. I talked to three managers and was amazed by their response. I was told I was valued and that they want to make sure I am happy. I haven’t really had a manager care like that before - especially enough to tell me by the end of the day their plan of action. The big boss told me that he was going to make this situation a priority. He has so many other things to worry about; it is humbling that he would worry about me.

I am feeling better. At the end of the day; it’s only pizza. (Or cookies or subs or whatever the actual case may be.)

I didn’t work at all today. It would have been somewhere around the 20th or 21st day in the row. I just couldn’t do it. Instead, I did laundry, cleaned, took the plastic off my windows, paid bills, filled out my retirment information and caught up on email. All this in addition to church, of course. It was nice. I think I am going to go to bed early, because I will have to get to work early to do that which I did not do today. But it was nice to not do anything work-related today. I can’t even look at the kitchen table where my stuff is - though I should put it away today.

I love beer.

I am looking forward to Pascha. I learned a lot this Lent, but I am looking forward for it to be over. I am not bringing my computer home that weekend. Dammit.

My dad said, “You know what they say? All work and no play makes you very cranky.” I know what he was referring to - we had an awkward phone call where I ended up saying that I couldn’t talk to them and would call them later. I am sorry. I should not have answered the phone in the first place.