I wish you could hear the headline. It’s actually the chorus of a song, which was also the name of a holiday play my parent’s church put on a couple years in a row several years back. This play holds special significance to my brother and sister-in-law, as the family was attending said play when they got engaged. As a result they had to leave a message on the answering machine - a message my mother still has to this day. The pastor’s daughter was named Hope, so for years she had to deal with people singing this song to her as she turned corners.
Ah, memories.
So, things are cookin’. I have at least three scheduled or potential interviews within the next week or so. I feel freedom, as though I can taste it. In the meantime I am getting up to speed on my new clients and since I really don’t see a future I am standing up for myself the likes they have never seen before. It’s kind of fun, actually. And I seem to be earning the respect of my new collegues because of it. Just in time for me to leave.
According to wikipedia.com:
Apathy is a psychological term for a state of indifference — where an individual is unresponsive or “indifferent” to aspects of emotional, social, or physical life. Clinical apathy is considered to be at an elevated level, while a moderate level might be considered depression, and an extreme level could be diagnosed as a dissociative disorder. The physical aspect of apathy associated with physical deterioration, muscle loss, and lack of energy is called lethargy — which has many pathological causes as well.
Apathy can be object-specific — toward a person, activity or environment. It is a common reaction to stress where it manifests as “learned helplessness” and is commonly associated with depression. It can also reflect a non-pathological lack of interest in things one does not consider important.
Certain drugs are known to cause symptoms associated with or leading to apathy.
Relax Jan! I am not on drugs. Well . . . wait a minute. I clicked on the link and it turns out they count alcohol as a drug. Humph. Now all my Orthodox friends think less of me for drinking during Lent, but I only drink enough to take the edge off so I can sleep. Sigh. Now everyone is probably worried that I might be an alcoholic. I can’t win!
I am not an alcoholic. I am not on drugs. I am apathetic and maybe a little depressed in response to work stress. I have a workload that I cannot handle. The kind of workload that I don’t even know where to start and at the end of the day I find I have accomplished nothing. This is not an uncommon feeling that I have in my current position, and I fear I am not the only person at my company that feels that way. My accounts have been shifted; I no longer work on my favorite account. The president of my new account is performing functions levels and levels below him. I can’t decide if he is a micro-manager or if it is a necessary step just to get the shit done. Considering the other president offered his assistance to get my work done, it might just be necessary.
My co-worker told me today she refuses to look at me. To look at me would hurt her heart and give her a stomachache as a result of the defeat on my face. She planned to march herself into either the president’s or ECD’s office to petition on my behalf until I talked her out of it. Sure, it scares me to be apathetic, but I tell myself it is only temporary. It is my defense mechanism to deal with my current situation. Every day is another disappointment, another bullshit assignment. By caring, it makes me more frustrated. To not care gives me power . . . control over my own situation. This apathy, combined with my focus on external opportunities, keeps me going.
So dear friends, please do not be alarmed by this dark spell. I will come back, I promise, returned to a better version of my old self. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, I can see it. I hope you can too.
And I still miss cheese.
It is a lot easier to not eat meat if you can eat cheese. If you can’t eat cheese then what is the point of eating?
I am apathetic.
My problem with apathy is the complete lack of feeling; the numbness. If I am angry or upset at least I still feel.