The sinking realization of the event that occured on Friday has not been easy to process. A numbness has taken over my heart to the point that at times I find myself wondering if it is still beating. Sometimes I can’t breathe, gasping for air as I imagine those do in the midst of a severe asthma attack. Other times I shake at varying degrees of intensity as tears form in my eyes. Two of the last four nights I cried myself to sleep. What is uncomfortable for me is that when I find myself sobbing, I don’t feel anything. I am not crying because I am so happy to be alive, nor am I crying because I am so sad for the lost life.
It feels like I am crying for nothing, though I am sure there is a reason.