Something has been bothering me for a while, since May. In fact, between it and all the traveling I’ve been doing, this summer has been a blur. I only just woke up to realize that the start of school, marking the end of summer, is a mere two weeks away. So much for those summer plans.
But the thing that has been bothering me was mostly resolved on Friday. Enough for me to feel a massive sense of relief. Instead of feeling like a weight was lifted, I felt drained. The tension I’ve been living with for the last three months left and only then did I realize how taxing it was physically. At church last night I was not confident that I would be able to stand through the entire service, even though it was a “short” one.
After church today, I came home for my post-Liturgical nap. Usually this is more of a rest, since I rarely fall totally asleep. Not today. My head barely hit the pillow and I was out - for three hours. I had to tear myself awake. And it hurt. I just think my body is thankful for a reprieve from the stress.
Yesterday I left work at 3:00 and hung out at church until Vespers at 6:30. For about an hour or so I practiced being still. I didn’t read the book I brought, I didn’t engage in conversation, I didn’t fidget in my chair. I simply sat; taking slow, deep breaths, quieting my mind and my heart.
It was really hard.
The sheer act of it made my heart race. I felt nervous and crazy; desperate to reach for anything to distract me from being alone with myself. After a while, though, I was able to stop. To breathe. To be still.
It sounds like a crazy thing to practice, or more over, to need to practice. But it definitely does not come natural to me, as someone who likes to do at least two things at once. My godmother posted a quote on her blog that reminded me of why this was a worthy exercise. “…hush your tongue that your heart may speak, and hush your heart that God may speak.”